Netflix & emotional breakdowns
I have been trying to figure out what this feeling is for the longest. I have been quiet and withdrawn. A part of it is due to the fact that I have been extremely sick, and to be honest I just chalked it up to that. But as the days went on, I realized that was not the main issue. As I sit in the bed and type this, I feel like I am outside of my body and watching my life from the cheap seats. I finally figured it out. I am overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time.
I honestly did not know that that was possible, yet here we are--more like here I am. I know you are probably reading that and like "girl what?!" And quite frankly, so am I. But have no fear, I will break it down for you.
I am overwhelmed by all the things I have to get done, but I am underwhelmed at the progress I am making towards accomplishing the things on my list.
Now that I have explained it, I know that I cannot be the only one. And I think that graduate school breeds this spirit of comparison so you literally feel like you never accomplish anything. And its fair, some days you won't because everyone needs a break.
So here I am, and it is almost midnight and I have almost had a whole 3 emotional breakdowns in the day, but I caught myself before a tear fell. I know that we all have the same 24 hours in the day that Beyonce does; however, I really do not know how people get shit done.
I actually feel guilty when I have to take a mental health day. When I have to figure out how to balance my anxiety attack and depression and then I see classmates fully pregnant and about to go into labor in the classroom. So why do I think I need a "break" when they are here? Or when I see the people with full on families have every assignment complete. I literally feel like a little wuss.
I know that we are taught that we are enough and we should know our worth; however, when I look at the things I have accomplished in a day I am extremely underwhelmed. And maybe it goes back to the pressure I put on myself (I talked bout about this previously) but I do not know, the only thing I do know is that it happens and I need it to stop.
I know that I am not the only one who looks at their to-do list and just decides to NOT do a damn thing on it and continue to tell yourself "one more episode wont hurt." And you know that your binge-watching sessions are probably the main reason you are overwhelmed.
It is not that I only feel underwhelmed at the things I accomplish daily, but also I feel underwhelmed by the things that come out of my mouth. In class and in conversations, I feel like I am just saying dumb things. Things that do not make sense and illustrate that I do not belong. And the more I talk they more people are going to realize that I really ain't all that. Maybe it is a combination of imposter syndrome and low self-esteem. Maybe it is just the fact that I do not belong.
I am feeling quite a number of feelings, and none of them are good. I am really good at pushing through and acting like things are okay even when they are not. And that is probably another reason why I am overwhelmed because I have not addressed the emotions that I am feeling. But who has time for emotions? Grad school does not give you time for emotions--it barely gives you time to complete your work.
I am still working on all of these things but I know that writing is a way that I heal and cope and it allows me to sit in my truth, whatever that may be.
I am welcoming all advice. How do you cope when you are overwhelmingly underwhelmed?