MorningJoy Podcast is a biweekly podcast that focuses on education, mental health, and the music we use to cope in this crazy world. It highlights folks of color doing amazing work. 
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Netflix & emotional breakdowns

Netflix & emotional breakdowns

I have been trying to figure out what this feeling is for the longest. I have been quiet and withdrawn. A part of it is due to the fact that I have been extremely sick, and to be honest I just chalked it up to that. But as the days went on, I realized that was not the main issue. As I sit in the bed and type this, I feel like I am outside of my body and watching my life from the cheap seats. I finally figured it out. I am overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time.

I honestly did not know that that was possible, yet here we are--more like here I am. I know you are probably reading that and like "girl what?!" And quite frankly, so am I. But have no fear, I will break it down for you.

I am overwhelmed by all the things I have to get done, but I am underwhelmed at the progress I am making towards accomplishing the things on my list. 

Now that I have explained it, I know that I cannot be the only one. And I think that graduate school breeds this spirit of comparison so you literally feel like you never accomplish anything. And its fair, some days you won't because everyone needs a break. 

So here I am, and it is almost midnight and I have almost had a whole 3 emotional breakdowns in the day, but I caught myself before a tear fell. I know that we all have the same 24 hours in the day that Beyonce does; however, I really do not know how people get shit done. 

I actually feel guilty when I have to take a mental health day. When I have to figure out how to balance my anxiety attack and depression and then I see classmates fully pregnant and about to go into labor in the classroom. So why do I think I need a "break" when they are here? Or when I see the people with full on families have every assignment complete. I literally feel like a little wuss. 

I know that we are taught that we are enough and we should know our worth; however, when I look at the things I have accomplished in a day I am extremely underwhelmed. And maybe it goes back to the pressure I put on myself (I talked bout about this previously) but I do not know, the only thing I do know is that it happens and I need it to stop. 

I know that I am not the only one who looks at their to-do list and just decides to NOT do a damn thing on it and continue to tell yourself "one more episode wont hurt." And you know that your binge-watching sessions are probably the main reason you are overwhelmed. 

It is not that I only feel underwhelmed at the things I accomplish daily, but also I feel underwhelmed by the things that come out of my mouth. In class and in conversations, I feel like I am just saying dumb things. Things that do not make sense and illustrate that I do not belong. And the more I talk they more people are going to realize that I really ain't all that. Maybe it is a combination of imposter syndrome and low self-esteem. Maybe it is just the fact that I do not belong. 

I am feeling quite a number of feelings, and none of them are good. I am really good at pushing through and acting like things are okay even when they are not. And that is probably another reason why I am overwhelmed because I have not addressed the emotions that I am feeling. But who has time for emotions? Grad school does not give you time for emotions--it barely gives you time to complete your work. 

I am still working on all of these things but I know that writing is a way that I heal and cope and it allows me to sit in my truth, whatever that may be. 

I am welcoming all advice. How do you cope when you are overwhelmingly underwhelmed?

 

To the man that taught Batman how to drive....

To the man that taught Batman how to drive....

Broken Glass: When Disappointment Hits

Broken Glass: When Disappointment Hits