MorningJoy Podcast is a biweekly podcast that focuses on education, mental health, and the music we use to cope in this crazy world. It highlights folks of color doing amazing work. 
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What {My} Depression Looks Like...

What {My} Depression Looks Like...

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This is a picture of my home office. This is my desk. This is the area around my desk. I truly think that this is the perfect symbol for how my life looks right now--all over the place. 

Honestly, this is what depression looks like. Do not get me wrong, depression looks like many things for different people, and it can even look like different things for the same person. So, for me right now this is what my depression looks like. 

When you see me, it may look like I have it all together; however, that is the furthest thing from the truth. If my head was not attached, I would lose it. The other day, I forgot to tell my boyfriend to feed the dog and he thought I did it so my dog was hungry for a couple of extra hours. That is where I am. My plants died ( i think I don't have an affinity for plants). My clothes are clean but they are not put up in their places. And my desk area is JUST clean enough to get some work done, but not clean enough for me to actually have clear and coherent thoughts. 

Everyone is guilty, including me, of placing perfectly curated pictures on Instagram that seem to illustrate how perfect our lives are going. I may have posted a picture of me in a really cute outfit, but I may not say that that is the only outfit that fits in my closet because of all the weight I gained from stress eating my way through my masters. How many likes would I get if my caption read "Only outfit that fit my ass!"  I may post pictures of my to-do list and show how I have scratched things out; however, I am not telling you all of the things that I should be doing that have yet to get done because I am too afraid to start them. 

I am not writing this post to gain your sympathy or empathy; however, I am writing this post to truly be transparent. I mean, after all, that was the point of this website. 

This is what depression looks like. It does not always show as me being too sad to get out of bed or that I randomly cry uncontrollably (and honestly, I do both of these things). But in reality, sometimes my depression manifest in a complete and utter messy office and bedroom. And its not because I do not try to clean, instead it is because I start to clean but I never finish. 

My "follow through" game is not strong in certain things. And again, not for lack of trying but because I truly just lose my motivation after throwing one piece of paper away or folding one shirt. 

And even though I hear in the back of my mind the words of my father telling me that a man likes a clean house, I still cannot find a way to clean it. I get distracted, not because I do not value cleanliness, but my brain won't let me focus and I rationalize that reading for class is more important than vacuuming the living room.

I think its funny that I can complete the majority of my school work in a timely manner, but when it comes to taking care of personal things my motivation is nowhere to be found. And all i do is sleep. And I cannot determine if it is because I am exhausted from working 28 hours at a local grocery store and going to class or if I am just so depressed I just want to sleep all of the time? 

I do not know. But what I do know is that my condo is messy. And I am actually annoyed by it and every time I come home I have high aspirations of getting my entire life together by cleaning the whole thing. However, once I unlock the front door and walk in I just sit on the couch with my dog and watch television. 

I have honestly wanted to write a post a while ago, yet again my depression won and I could not find the energy to follow through. And if I am being real, I do not know who is even reading this website. Which then that makes me more depressed so I do not want to write because I do not think anyone really cares. Ugh! Damn depression. 

I wish I was able to shake it. I wish I was able to say "I'm fine!" and mean it, but I don't mean it. 

My depression is messy. And to be quite honest, depression is a messy thing. I know that healing isn't linear. And that some days will harder than others. But to be quite honest, for the past couple of days I have been on the worse end of the scale. 

And it is exhausting pretending to be okay all of the time. Lets face it, everyone has their own shit. So you try to handle your shit and not tell people about it, but that is not really any way to live. But I have become use to living that way. 

My depression is messy. My house is messy. My life is messy. Hell, even my car is messy. 

One day it will be under control. I am not holding my breath; however, I have begun to get rid of things. My goal is to get rid of at least 40 things for each day of Lent, I have gotten rid of 30. 

I am attempting to make progress with prioritizing myself over everything else, but that is hard when responsibilities are pulling me in about 1,000 different directions. 

I know that it is baby steps. So I am making them. 

I hope this post helps someone. Because I want you to know you are not alone. And its okay if your house is messy. As long as you ain't got roaches and mold, then we good! I am just proud of you for getting out of the bed today! 

 

 

Broken Glass: When Disappointment Hits

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