I only cried once today....
(Written Monday April 3rd)
This morning, I made it to campus by 6:45am and was settled at my desk and my boyfriend stopped by about 7am to join me int eh quiet of my empty office to get work done. As my gospel music plays and I drink my first cup of coffee, I began to reflect on what was left in my semester. All of the work I had already accomplished/completed and more importantly the work I had left to do. I think I held it together for at least an hour and a half. I was finishing up my presentation for a class that was due at 9:30 this morning. I even sent out some important emails and set up some meetings with my advisor and professors. And I think that it was in that moment that I lost it.
I have been struggling with this thing called graduate school. Everyday I question whether I belong. And every day I find myself crying in the bathroom or just taking a "break" and just sitting on the toilet to think through it all.
I feel my anxiety reel its ugly ass head, especially when it is time to submit an assignment. I get so anxious and depressed that my work will be bad. Because that how everything else in my life has gone: bad.
because my anxiety kicks in and leads me down this winding path and I spiral down. Once i reach the end of this path, I find myself in a deep dark hole alone only accompanied by my best friend named depression. And depression, being the amazing friend she is, places her arms around me and cloaks me in overwhelming sadness. This is the place I found myself in today, all before 9am. And somehow I was supposed to make it through the day. (My longest mind you, I have two three-hour classes seemingly back to back)
So, all before 9am I had an entire crying fest in my office. Completely unannounced to my boyfriend sitting at the empty desk in my office enthralled in his work with headphones in. (obviously, I have mastered the art of the silent ugly cry.) By the time he noticed I was upset, I could not articulate why I was really upset. I could not remember what specific turn on that path that led me to the tears. Maybe it was the thought of failing. Maybe the thought of how much weight I gained. or How my clothes did not fit. Or how my room was still messy after many failed attempts to try to clean it. Basically I could not pinpoint the exact reason for my tears, but they were falling.
Another skill I learned to master was crying for all of 90 seconds and then proceeding on like nothing was wrong. But that was not the case today, I cried for a couple of minutes.
I do not know the purpose of this post to be honest. Maybe to let you all know that I do not have it all together. Some people always tell me "Joy, you are so smart! You have it all together!" And I want to scream at them to let them know that that is not the case. So many this piece is me screaming via writing. Even though I only cried once today, I still cried.
And that is just fine. I want y'all to know that it is okay to shed some tears. There is no magical answer that will give you a way to avoid crying. Graduate schools across the globe could make so much money if they sold their own brand of tissues. Even with teh school logo on the tissue, so when you wipe your eyes you are wiping them with the same thing thats making you cry but also your future. But maybe thats just me who thinks that is a clever idea. (Sharktank here i come) Anyway.......
It makes no sense to pretend you're fine when you're not. It does no goof for you (or anyone else) to make this shit look easy, cause it aint! tody I only cried once, so far. The important thing is that when and if you do cry is to pick yourself up and wipe away a few tears. Do not let your tears blurry your vision of your dream and life.
This post was for me, not y'all.