We come Home to Ourselves

When you come home to yourself but you do not know yourself, you feel like a stranger in your own house. The last time you knew who were was in the womb so you lie in the fetal position hoping to recreate that certainty. And when I say you I mean me, but it really feels like a you because I don’t know me. I am trying to find my identity in a space that constantly tears me apart in an effort to put me back together. So here I am, on the floor crying tears that I cannot figure out the meaning of. I ignore the school work piling up. Anxiety turns into depression and depression turns into weight on the bones.

Mirror Mirror...

When I think of unrealistic expectations and the anxiety they cause me, I think about Snow White. “Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” That phrase echoes in my mind. Why you ask?

Cutting Fear Off!

I am afraid of success. I am afraid of what will happen if I actually succeed. For the longest, I believed I was scared of failure (although I still think sometimes I am), but I realized this week that I am more scared of being successful. 

The gag is....

I somehow had tied my worth to the number I saw on the scale. I felt like people were talking about me. I felt like I wasn't pretty. I felt like the girl who had big dreams but didn't fulfill them but managed to fill all that space with extra chicken on her burrito bowl from Chipotle 

I had this weird relationship with food. It was love hate so to speak. I knew I needed to eat, but I hated the way it made me gain weight. I thought it was the food's fault. I thought it was my fault. 

Withered: A Lesson in moving to grow

And that is the crux of it all, every environment doesn't allow for your proper growth. Just like certain plants can only thrive in certain types of temperaments and environments, the same thing applies to us. 

I think that talking about this is important, especially for those interested or in graduate school. Graduate school is full of moments that will push and pull you and literally force you to grow; however, even with this pull and prodding, there is no guarantee that you will thrive. There is no guarantee that you actually even grow. Hell, there is no guarantee that you will even survive. 

Broken Glass: Detrimental Determination

I threw myself into studying and completing applications that I did not give myself any time to truly cope with what had just happened less than a week ago. I didn't think that was what I was supposed to do. Why should I dwell on something I couldn't change, at least that is what! 

I never knew that my determination to further my education (and prove a few folks wrong along the way) could be detrimental. And to be honest, while I was in the middle of it I did not see it as that. But after I completed my GRE a month later and got the scores I needed, it all came crashing down. 

Second-Hand Sorrow

I thought of my aunties and uncles left behind in the aftermath of yet another one of their siblings' death and I felt this weight begin to just sit on my legs and I couldn't move. I re-read the text message and immediately called the aunt who sent it. There is no non-cliche to talk to someone who just lost a loved one. You cannot say something that has never been heard before. You cannot say something that probably doesn't sound like it came out of a Nicholas Sparks book. That doesn't stop you from trying though. My aunt tried to sound okay, but I am a master of reading through that but I left it alone. The only good thing is that they had visited my uncle in the hospital the day before and they were thankful for that moment. 

#MeToo & Christian Concerts

The concert ended and everyone was leaving the venue. I realized I parked closer to the door than my friend did. So me being the nice southern girl I am, I offered him a ride to his car. This is a choice that I replay in my head all the time. I have asked myself did I ask for what came next. Did I invite this to happen?

            We are in the car. We are talking about the concert and how awesome it was. We talked about how weird it was that it was still not that many Black folks at this rap concert. Then we start talking about school and just life as I am driving him to his car. It really was far. His tone starts to change. More disengaged.

"Do I not give you enough Attention?": Talking about suicide in the Black family

I honestly do not think at that moment I wanted to die; however, I just wanted all of these feelings to stop and at that time it seemed like dying was the only way. I was trying to talk my cousin about these feelings, and that is a lot to put on someone who isn't that much older than you. Who probably has their own issues as well. He did what he thought was right, call my father to let him know.